I’ve long been interested in the spiritual use of plant medicines, but my interest peaked after watching The Spirit Molecule, a 2010 documentary about research on DMT, or dimethyltryptamine. The molecule DMT is found in nearly every living organism and considered the most potent psychedelic on Earth.
After nearly 15 years of thinking about it, I finally decided to experience plant medicine for myself, using the most commonly available form of mushroom, psilocybin. I want to be clear that I am not advocating in any way for mind altering medicines. And if one chooses to try plant medicine, I strongly urge thoughtful preparation and the use of an experienced guide who will remain by your side throughout. What follows below is my experience, shared with the hope it will be helpful in some way.
My journey began through a friendly contact with a mental health professional, who has training and certification in the use of plant medicines. Six weeks before my scheduled trip, we met twice, for two hours, in order to set the foundation for the work. My guide asked many questions. She urged me to clearly articulate my goals, digging deeply into the motivations behind them. She urged me, more than once, to share any fears that might arise. We spent time choosing specific music and nourishing foods for the day. Her knowledge and experience were greatly reassuring.
By way of background, I’ve been a student of A Course in Miracles for nearly 20 years. For about half of that, I’ve studied the non-dual teachings of Francis Lucille, Rupert Spira, Atmananda, Ramana Maharshi, and others. A daily (and often nightly) practice of meditation has been ongoing as well. This is my way of saying I felt spiritually prepared for the journey. While it was definitely true that I would be entering unknown territory, I had a strong foundation for the work.
Setting goals for the trip wasn’t as easy as it sounds. I wondered if it would it be self-limiting to set specific goals. Would it be best to let the plant wisdom decide for me? Should I turn things over to the Self, which knows what is best for the self? Finally, it came to me. I wanted to understand more deeply what might be blocking my awareness to love’s presence in everything. This was the question that resonated most.
But there was, unbeknownst at the time, another question. This involved testing the depth of my own knowing. More specifically, I was simply curious to know how far from “home base” I could travel and still be fully aware and conscious of what was arising in the altered state.
My journey was to take place on a Saturday morning when I knew the house would be empty for the day. As it happened, the morning dawned bright and warm. I walked outdoors gathering flowers for several vases of peonies, ferns, and wildflowers to make a sacred space. I opened all the doors and windows. My guide and I had chosen many hours of music beforehand. She arrived with delicious food for the day and a comfortable mat for me to lie on. She had thought of everything except the pendulum she wanted to use for dowsing the correct dose. But no matter! We soon had it figured out.
I took my first dose at about 12:30 p.m. At first, I felt nothing. Then I lay down and put on an eye mask and headphones. After some time, I began to notice a slight shift in inner perception. But it was nothing much; easily digested colors and patterns. About an hour in, my guide gently touched my shoulder and asked if I wanted to try a second dose. I said yes. This was when things really began.
The music seemed to guide my emotions and thoughts at an almost visceral level. I moved off home base and then back. Various lessons from the Course Workbook seemed to arise spontaneously. At one point, when it seemed like too many sensations and thoughts were coming at me all at once, the words of Lesson 30 arose, “God is in everything I see because God is in my mind.” I found myself laughing with delight as I intuited the words in a new way. Many times, a phrase from A Course or a sentence from Atmananda’s Discourses rose up to gently center me amidst all that was going on.
But there were also moments of near despair. In hindsight, these were exactly what I was asking for. One in particular stands out and has remained with me. It occurred a little over halfway through the trip. I found myself looking at the walls of a deep, deep hole. Everything was oozing mud. From little holes in the mud, insects emerged and dropped in a wet, sloppy, cold mess into what seemed like a bottomless pit. I knew that I did not ever, ever, want to go to the bottom of that pit as there was no way out. This is what I wrote on the evening that my journey ended:
Going into the deep unconscious. Meeting fear and willing the mind to stay in the I Am. Not wanting to lose myself in the fear. Insects and gross wormy things at one point going down, down, down into a bottomless pit. I call upon the Christ Consciousness and It Is there. And I know the CC has gone down to the very bottom of this hole, and shone a light there. I am amazed and so very grateful for its courage on our behalf. Then it comes to me — I know I have to do the same thing in my own way. How do I do this? The knowing rises in my heart and mind that there is only one way. It is to know and accept fully, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that I am the Light of the world. Only when I am absolutely embodied as my own light, can I shine for all because it IS all.
As I said in the beginning, I’ve been a student of A Course in Miracles and non-dual teachers for a long time. Practicing the teachings is a daily, ongoing thing for me. I know that I know my true nature is unified, one, resting in, and as, All That Is. There is a line in Chapter 16, Section II of ACIM that says, “You still think holiness is difficult because you cannot see how it can be extended to include everyone, and you have learned that it must include everyone to be holy.”
What I want to convey is that while I’ve lived with this teaching for years, during my experience in the pit, I embodied it beyond a doubt. I know now that my acceptance of being the light is the only thing that holds me back... from everything. We are all this light and the only way to help heal the world is to know it, beginning with one’s self.
There were other things I brought back from my journey but this was the one that truly answered my question. I’ve had “insect dreams”, or nightmares, for years. I know now what they are; they are the ugly thoughts, the insidious self-doubt, the malicious judgments, the small violences, the withholding of kindness, the lack of graciousness, we do to ourselves and others. They are the creepy crawlies of every misperception that denies the holiness in anything.
My journey ended around 6 p.m. on that beautiful Saturday. It left me with a profound sense of knowing. But I do not think I would do it again. You might ask why. While the answer is longer than there is room for in this essay, I can only say that in dreaming and in meditation I have achieved many of the same truths that came from my journey.
Plant medicine is powerful and loving. But the mind is ultimately guided by a source more powerful. That source is our own willingness to go inside unassisted, unclothed, unadorned, with absolute not knowing. The inner exploration that is available to one who is able to drop all expectations and simply sit in silence can uncover anything. As A Course says, it takes but “a little willingness” to open and allow over and over again. It’s all there inside waiting to be brought into the light and surrendered to your own inherent wisdom.
